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I Am More Than A Mom

October 26, 2011 in Minimalist Parenting

This past sunday the kids went to play at grandma’s for the day and Bryon and I wandered kid-less for a few hours downtown.  These are some of the pictures he took.

I want to start off by saying that in no way am I saying that anyone needs to be more than a mom to be fulfilled.  I am a stay-at-home mom.  I am also not saying that being a mom isn’t super important to me.  It is my biggest responsibility and my greatest job.

That being said, I am more than a mom. 

Becoming a mom is the single largest identity change.  Graduating from college, getting married, getting the corner office, none of these are close to the social change that comes from becoming a mother.  (probably the biggest personal and physical change too)

I was someone before I had kids, and I will be someone after they leave home.  I want my life and how I see myself as well as others and society to remember that identity. 

I am not talking about doing, this isn’t a post about working or non-working mom’s, I am talking about who I am.

I am:

  1. A strange combination of shy and bossy
  2. Outdoorsy, especially live for hiking
  3. Not a kid person
  4. Always cold
  5. A people pleaser
  6. Type A with a mix of hippy
  7. Spontaneous because I am such a planner that if I have the chance and time to plan it tires me out
  8. Loud guitar player (not good, but I love loud)
  9. Mostly vegan
  10. Concerned about the environment but more concerned about helping the people it is affecting now
  11. Concerned about animal rights but more concerned about child prostitution
  12. … wish I had dreads, but don’t have all the guts to pull it off yet
  13. Love non-fiction reading – positive, informative stuff
  14. Proud of my kids
  15. Sure the world is going to end, but convinced I need to trust God and enjoy life, only dealing with what can make a difference and not stressing about what I can’t change… or packing cans in the basement.   … this isn’t a problem we can work out or plan for beyond staying close to Jesus.
  16. Accepting of others but unsure how to culturally meet several
  17. Live life in fast/happy or slow/sad swing
  18. Don’t watch TV or movies much, I get too emotionally drained
  19. Don’t watch or read the news (see #15)
  20. Believe that most of life is what we create, how we respond and what glasses we choose to look through
  21. Not near as strong or healthy as I wish I was, but determined to keep working on it
  22. I don’t spell very whell
  23. Have been in 7 countries and really hope to multiply that by 10 or so if I get the chance
  24. Love my life
  25. In love with my husband more than when we were married

 Really this is a post about stereotypes (motherhood is just the big one I see everyday). It is hard with human nature to look beyond them.  But, I am learning the joy of taking the time to look past the outside and obvious parts of a person and finding some of their true self.  Often, even though the outside/obvious person doesn’t seem similar or have ‘friend potential’, the inside has pieces identical to mine. 

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Simple Tip-Spread The Fancy House Around

October 24, 2011 in My Simple Living

 

Here is Ian playing at the park by our apartment

I would like to think I live big.  I also live small.

Let me explain.  Within my grasp of walking or driving I have access to a nice pool, several parks, shops, a great library and even a world class zoo.   The great thing is that I don’t have to pay to maintain any of it.  (The small membership fee for the zoo is nothing compared to what we get) 

Our living is much bigger, smaller:

First off the library.  Sure we used our local branch on the edge of town, but we also housed several hundred books in the house.  Our whole family are readers (now even my 4 year old, I am so proud).   They usually didn’t cost much, especially the kids books because we got them at garage sale or gifts.  What they did cost was space and clean up time.  The kids had books all over their rooms and playroom all the time!  My son would also come into my room and clean off my book shelf.  We got rid of over 90% of them.  As a family we have access to 160 books at a time from the library, and it is only a mile away.  Sure, we still have piles at the house, but they are smaller piles and they are different books every week.

 That stack of books next to Lily.. that is just her getting started :)

Here is Ian showing me what books he wants to look for.

Second the pool.  I really wanted to make sure my kids learned to swim a few year ago, and they need practice a well as swim lessons so we got a 15′ above ground pool for the back yard.  We spent hours trying to get that thing to work.  Our first problem was that the yard had a gradual slope so we went at it with shovels.  We ended up with a hole in the yard and it was still not flat.  Second, I hated messing with chemicals.  Third, we couldn’t keep the leaves out of it.  Fourth, it was cold…. you get the idea.  Now we have an awesome warm, clean, indoor pool and hot tub at our apartment without even a gym membership cost.  Even if we needed to pay a gym membership it would be less money and stress than all that maintenance.

Just in the last week he has been practicing without his life jacket.  He can’t really touch that well, even in the shallow end.  He is a nut though.  He has been practicing with the jacket so well that when we took it off he could swim about 10 feet on his own.

Lily is a fish, she spends more time under the water than above it.

Third the parks.   We had a gym set in the back yard for the kids… we got it for free and we gave it away for free… it wasn’t that great.  Now we have a few parks within walking distance and some really good ones just a short drive away.  The great part for the kids is that they even come with playmates most days.

Lily at the park

Forth, we are much closer now to the zoo and stores which saves time and gas.

I thought this looked cute.  Looks like he is trying to get the tiger to bite his ear, but he is probably just trying to hide behind it as soon as daddy pulled out the camera.

Both kids love bounce houses.  This one was set up at the zoo when we went.

Fifth the yard care.  With the apartment I have no yard maintainance …except throwing out the dead plants off my porch (my thumb isn’t as green as I want it to be). 

When I look at this list it and remember all the work we did it makes me tired…. it represents so much time and work I put into bringing the world to us when it wasn’t all that far away. 

Many people have asked me how we can manage to live in such a small place, and this is really the reason.  In our bigger ‘real’ house we still had the same access, but we didn’t go out and take advantage of it as much.  Now when we do go play, or sit down and read, or swim it is way easier and much better.

 

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Some Simple Perspective

October 12, 2011 in Simple Religion

I have been reminded from everywhere lately.  Books, worship, other blogs, friends.  What really matters?  I want to simplify my life, and I am working at it and praying for it, but I get stressed out easily.

  • Kids waking up to early and making lots of noise
  • Figuring out balanced, healthy food my kids (or hubby) will eat
  • Not starting school on time
  • Not having school planed for the day as much as I would like
  • Kids goofing off and not working on school work
  • Messy house
  • Computer not working
  • Husband getting home late
  • Kids fighting
  • Guilt over loosing my patience and frustration with not being able to ‘grow’ some

It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the stress-mess and end up hanging on the edge of a breakdown.  But, what keeps hitting me over and over the last few weeks is perspective.  What really matters.  I wanted to write out some basic life perspectives that I have been learning.

I suck, you suck, we all suck

All those kids on the playground were right.  The Bible tells us we all suck.  Romans 3:23.  We don’t even know what ‘not-sucking’ looks like or how to get there.  ……The good part for those struggling with self-esteem is that everybody sucks.  We all suck bad, but we all suck just as bad :)  

God loves us even though we suck

The craziest concept in the world.  More crazy than we can figure out.  More crazy than any fairy tale.  God wants to save us.  This will never make sense because it doesn’t fit into a human ‘world-view’ or understanding.  It is just something that we have to accept.  The reason isn’t because we ‘don’t suck that bad’ (see above).

God knows what ‘not-sucking’ looks like AND He doesn’t want us to suck

He can tell us, show us, and help us not suck.  This is exciting, because I don’t want to suck.  Romans 6:15.  The fact that I can’t change my ‘sucking’ is so freeing.  No matter how hard I try, what books I read, what self-control I can muster, what self-help theories I practice, I can’t stop.

This world sucks

Don’t let this come to you as a surprise.  This world is not fair, and has lots of bad, sucking people in it.  Gods world doesn’t suck and we will like it there (as long as we don’t want to suck… if we like sucking then we probably like our sucky world).

Our future doesn’t have to suck

Our future on this earth doesn’t have to suck.  With God’s guidance and help we can start NOT being sucking now.  God also has an awesome ‘world’ to take us too where we won’t even remember what suckiness is, only that we were saved from it, and that it…. sucks. 

This is exciting.  Basically the feeling that I can’t be a good enough parent, (or anything else in my life) is right.  That is a relieve.  The great thing is that, without doing anything to deserve it, God can and will help me.   God is all that matters and all I need to focus on.  Focused on Him the other stressors don’t make much of a difference.  Amen and Hallelujah!

 

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Confessions From the Back Row

October 5, 2011 in Minimalist Parenting

That’s me.  I am the one in the back row sitting on a real chair looking at a book ….. or possibly texting at the back of story time (or any number of kids activities).  I watch the mothers sitting on the floor, bright-eyed, trying to get their kids to participate, following funny actions, and making baby talk with jealousy, guilt and amusement. 

The truth is I am just not a kid person.  I don’t like children.  If reading this makes you think of evil witches, or serial killers you obviously ARE a kid person.  Not everyone was made to be a kindergarten teacher.

I have been thinking on this for the past few days and am processing it.  A few years ago I read a statistic that 1/3 of parents wouldn’t have had their kids if they could get a do over.  I was, and still am, appalled by this.  It is sad.  I wanted kids and would still have my kids if given the choice again…. but now that I have them, I still don’t quite know what to do with them.

What I know for sure is that I want the best for them, and I want to be the best parent I can to them.  In looking at my parenting style I probably parent with a business perspective (which is my degree… so it would make sense).   I want to output the best product in the time given.  I read books on the subject, stress over processes and schedules, second guess decisions and make changes at the last-minute.   To be healthy human beings I work very hard at helping them be healthy and learn healthy habits.  I want them to contribute to society and try to teach compassion and teamwork.  I want them to learn as much as they can, learn how to teach them selves, and fall in love with a life time of learning.  I want them to be self-controlled so that they can make the best decisions and not fall for fast, cheap substitutes.   It isn’t that I want them to be good so I look good.  I feel it is my responsibility as a parent and to God to raise them as ‘right’ as I am able. 

This works great if I was going to do a math problem or program a computer.  It might even work to train a dog.  Kids are a whole other level of unexpected.  They have no manual.  I struggle because at the same ‘well of personality’ that I didn’t get my love for children or my special child-ready ’sing-song’ voice, I also somehow missed out on the patience.   …. this would make me a special ed kindergarten teacher from……

I am aware that this makes me a poor choice for staying at home and homeschooling, but I really feel that it is best for my kids to be home growing up, and now to be homeschooled also.    I feel it is best for all of us and that it offers us all a growing opportunity (though, sometimes I feel like I am breaking instead of growing)

 I believe that I am made the way I am and am given my kids for a reason.  I find and create all kinds of pressure with parenting.  I stress over what makes a good parent?

  • being a kids best friend?
  • having a kid that obeys?
  • having a kid go to Harvard (or equivalent)?
  • having a healthy kid?
  • having a socially adjusted kid?
  • having a kid that makes the football team (or goes on to play music professionally)?
  • having a kid that ‘realizes their true dream’ (whatever that might be, how can that be measured?)?
  • having a kid that Loves the Lord?
  • other

The problem with the ‘business parenting model’ is that it is very unattached.  I have always struggled with attachment.  Sure, I love my kids, but I wish I really felt connected to them.  I am scared that if I can’t connect with them as kids, then the teenage years will be impossible. 

I have never been good with connecting.  I don’t think many people are.  Something to do with society and past hurts makes it easier.  My wonderful husband has taught me how to connect in our marriage.  We love spending time together and would rather be with each other than pretty much anything.  I want the same thing with my kids now as well as after they grow up.  I want our family to be tight and experience joy and loss as a unit.   This is my ideal, but, I haven’t figured it out yet. 

So, there is my confession.  I am not a great parent, but I don’t think a love for children has to be a prerequisite.  Don’t look down on me because I hate sitting on hard floors or doing silly actions, I am trying my best just like you are.  Sometimes I wish I was as good as you interacting with my kids…. and sometimes I vow never to look that ridiculous. 

This is a blog on simplicity, and it is my goal in life… but if you have read a few of my posts you know that I am far from figuring the concept out.  With parenting also, I want to take the stress out and just enjoy it.  But it isn’t like making a cake… if it falls or burns I can just start again, parenting is serious business.  

Re-reading this post I think it sounds like a downer.  I don’t mean it like that.  I had a bad day last week with parenting and it was really stressing me out, but for the most part we really do have fun together learning.  There is just those moments that smack me behind the head and leave me frantically searching for a book with answers… and there isn’t one :)

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Stress Free Money at $40,000 and below

September 28, 2011 in Creating Simple Living

 

I found an article this morning about how a family of 4 was living on $40,000.  It was titled ’The Secret to Living Well on $40,000′.  Now I think this family is great and financially smart, but how can living on $40,000 be a secret?  This is above the poverty and welfare lines and includes tons of families in our country.  Shhhhh…. people all over the place are surviving on $40,000 a year.  

The key to simple, stress free money is that money coming in is greater than money going out.  That is it.  No matter what someone makes it is this where the peace/stress line is.   It is something that can be in balance even under $40,000 a year.  (gasp)

No matter what the ads say, your friends do, or TV portrays the median income in 2010 in the USA was $50,046 (and dropping) source.   That means that half of the families make and live on $50,000 or less.   In the midwest it is lower. In Nebraska where I live the median income is $47,357 source.   This means a large percent are living on $40,000 or less. 

Living on less money than comes in is key to living a simple, money-stress-free life.  It is huge in my life, and it is huge in most people’s lives (unless you are part of a very small amount of people who make so much you can’t spend fast enough…). 

I wanted to write-up the numbers of what our family does.  We are working on budgeting and cutting our bills back even more since we decided to simplify because we want to save up as money for the things we want as possible. (and we are trying to pay of the Prius)

Our family budget is about $2200 per month.  We don’t always balance but we have come out ok on the average on months when we aren’t traveling.   This is spendable income of  $26,400 per year (after taxes, contributions, savings).  This is how it breaks down:

Rent- $800

Food-$350

Car Gas-$175

Utilities -$75

Entertainment – $50

Misc (cloths, house stuff, etc) – $200

Savings pool for insurance (health and car), car expenses, school costs, medical costs – $550

Our phone and internet is paid out of our businesses. 

Since we are self-employed we don’t know what we will make from one month to the next so the less we have to make the less work stress we have.  We also choose to spend as little as possible for the ’everydays’ so we can take longer vacations and having more money in savings.  It is probably possible to live on even less and still provide food and shelter for a family of 4. 

What I want to get across is, for the most part in this country, people have way more financial freedom than they often embrace.  Most of our money is spent for wants and not for needs.  It is a choice. 

It is perfectly fine to spend money on whatever you want.  I am not saying that spending money on wants is wrong.  I just get frustrated by people’s excuses and pity party based on money.  If more money is going out than coming in and it is creating stress, fix it.  If you want money for something specific and don’t have it, fix it.  If it costs too much to live in a specific area, city or state… move.    Get to the place where it isn’t a fight to finish the month in the black and life gets better. 

Money is a tool, not a barrier.  Simple, intentional, and even possibly minimalistic living really helps prioritize and make sure money is not a secret and not a stressor.   It is true in this society that there is always a push to spend more and the myth that families can have it all is everywhere.  These things do make it feel like living on $40,000 or less is hard. 

Another great recourse is Dave Ramsey’s program and teaching.  He is super motivating and entertaining and has practical, usable advice.

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