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I Am So Disappointed

I just have to write my heart and soul out to you today about my disappointment.  It is probably going against my own web rules, but writing and this blog are a growth and therapy for me. 

This morning (writing Sunday night so Sunday morning) we found out that we were not approved for an overseas position we had applied for.  The thing is that it isn’t the first time.  Ever since we started looking at minimalism and cutting back just over a year ago we have been looking.  Really, ever since we were married and before we have been dreaming of mission work.  Our love of travel and desire to work and make a difference just seem to be a perfect match.  Being available time and money wise for something like this was a huge motivator in why we simplified.  …but the dream has never worked out.

When we started getting rid of stuff last winter we applied to work at a hospital in Nepal.  The position seemed like a great fit and we were all excited with the possibility…but it never worked out.

Last summer we were on the top of the list for two different positions.  One was in a jungle, the other at a school on the west coast.  Both had great interviews, both were very positive and we knew we had a good shot at both.  It was just as we were moving into our apartment and we got a short term lease because we felt sure one would work out.  Then both… a week apart from each other fell through.

Going into the winter we were planning on a traveling construction contract that had been verbally agreed upon.  This was the same work we had done the year before when we fell in love with having less as we lived in motels.  As the time got closer we further de-cluttered the apartment and got rid of anything extra we had so that we would be ready to get rid of our apartment while we traveled to save additional money.   This would have only been temporary but we were planning on saving up enough money to be able to branch into more volunteer overseas work this summer.  …then this opportunity fell through without explanation or even returning our phone calls.

Then this spring we tried to get a position at a school in Asia working with their current buildings and programs as well as helping build and grow the complex.  It was the best position for location, family flexibility, pay, safety, health care and more that we had found and we were so excited.  The position for my hubby seemed a perfect fit and there was lots of ways that I could be involved in helping while still watching and homeschooling the kids.  After so many different positions had fallen through I was so scared to get our hopes up.  The problem was that they were wanting us to start very quickly if we got through all the formality of approval and there was just so many pieces we needed to work through in our heads to try to be (maybe) ready to leave the country in a few weeks.  Then this morning we learned that we had not been approved.

To say I am crushed might be an understatement.  This job seemed so perfect.  We hadn’t told the kids about this one (we learned our lesson with the first few) but Lily has been fascinated with China this spring and Ian told me last week he wanted to go to Japan this summer for vacation.   I spent last week dreaming of being able to tell them about their being close enough to see both.  They would have been so excited.   The educational side of things would have been amazing.  I have really wanted them to see and live in another culture.  I want them to work on language and I don’t think any ‘book course’ comes close to learning from a community.

I am not upset with anyone, …but maybe me.  I look back and can’t see anything that could have been done differently.  I know we put our best into it and I know that they wanted us there.  In the end they made the decision they thought was the best for the school.  I want the best for the school so I should want that as well right?  I wish I hadn’t got so emotionally connected to something that wasn’t a sure thing yet. I tried not to.

I am okay with it all being Gods will.  We prayed about it and didn’t want it to happen if He didn’t want us there.  I trust He knows best…I just wish He could tell me before my heart gets set on it.

Ten years ago this June (when we would have been starting this job if it had worked out) I had tickets to go to Hong Kong for an intensive Mandarin class to finish my degree. I canceled the trip and got married that summer instead.  I never regretted it.  This would have been just awesome to go back to the area with my husband and family and have way more than 8 weeks to really learn and study the language.

The whole thing just leaves me so disappointed.  We are left here trying to figure out what Plan B is …. or plan F or G the way our life has been going lately.  What we know is that we still want to travel and serve.  I feel it is a combination of our passion, dream, purpose, and talent.  I ought to keep trying for it right?  Nothing in life comes easy.  How do I keep up the strength to keep following that dream?  The whole process of fighting and trying for it is so much more exhausting and draining than just sticking with an easier path.

It has been a tough day here.  It didn’t help that it was rainy and cold and that it looks like it will be rainy and cold all week.  I want to be glad that we do have family, work, health and many more blessings but tonight I am just disappointed and confused.

Photo Credit: Bryon Lippincott

17 Comments

  1. Carmen Carmen

    Lori, I can feel your sadness and disappointment leap off the page at me.

    I’m sorry things haven’t worked out so far, but I can’t help but feel that you either haven’t come across the right opportunity for your family, or that for whatever reason, you are in the right place right now. About half way down your post, I stopped feeling the sadness and had overwhelming feelings of this all being part of His plan.

    I’ll include you in my prayers today, lovely Lippincott family! Finally, we’re with you in experiencing bad weather. It’s been raining solidly for about 4 weeks now and is expected to continue until mid May. It’s incredibly unusual for this time of year, but because the winter was supposedly so dry (who noticed?), we still have a hose pipe ban.

  2. It is so hard to get your hopes up. We have done that several times. We live in a very large house, and have land that we want to build a very small house on. In order to build the small house we need to get rid of the big house. Well, after several years of trying to sell said big house, we have decided that it just isn’t the time for us to be moving. I was upset at first. I had plans of the most amazing little house for us, on our couple of acres. The animals I would be able to have because we would be in the country. The amount of money we would be able to save on a smaller mortgage and lower utility bills.

    Then I just stopped. I stopped thinking about the what if. I decided to embrace what I have here, which is a beautiful house that has great character and a yard that allows me the space for a garden and our chickens. I realized that I was trying to force God’s timing, and had to sit back and just listen to what he wants for our lives right now. Maybe things will change in the future, maybe they won’t, but I can’t keep trying to plan for a future that doesn’t line up with what God wants for us. Good luck!

  3. Cam Cam

    I am not sure what to say except that I’m sorry to hear that another opportunity fell through. You definitely have been ‘bit’ by the missions bug, and despite what it feels like right now, there is an opportunity that is perfect for the family, though probably where you least expect it right now.

    Hopefully this week will end on a much higher note than it began!
    ~Cam

  4. Tammy Tammy

    I want to say this with love, but I don’t think it will come out that way. In you book Simple Loving, your talk about your children on page 34 – 37 is by far a big turn off for me. I understand not being a kid person and that’s fine, but to serve as a missionary, I think that might come off as a little off putting to some. Just a thought.

  5. So sorry your plans didn’t work out. Something else must be up in the cosmos for you… I would try to release as much of the emotions around this disappointment so you can be open and clear for a new direction. The good news is I had friends who were in China for 2 years and left early from their teaching jobs because they had such horrible respiratory problems from the air pollution… you may be saving yours and your family’s health by not going there.

  6. Gail Gail

    Your disapointment is very understable. You are right that all thisis in God’s will. Already you know, He has your family’s today amd tomorrow in His hands. You know when He reveals His next step for you, you will rejoice for the plan. But still, disapointment stings.

    • Pat Pat

      I am extremely sorry for your pain. I know well how hard it is to wait for God’s perfect timing. Keep hanging on to Him. He has something special for your family to do. Maybe it (job) hasn’t become available yet. But I know He wants what’s best for you and He knows your hearts desire so TRUST in Him. My theme song during our time of unemployment was: “In His time, in his time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me every day that your leading in your way and you do just what you say in your time.” Keep praying, singing with thankful heart, trusting, and soon your dreams will come
      to pass.

  7. I’m sorry you didn’t get it friend! God will provide in His timing. Just keep applying and trying and leave it in His hands. I understand how you feel!

  8. Kendra Carlson Kendra Carlson

    i’m sorry you’re in a sad space right now. i hope it passes quickly and you find the clarity you need to get back on the roller coaster of dream-chasing. i’ve experienced this myself, KNOWING that God has something better, blah, blah, but still feeling awful at the time. just remember, it’s okay to be sad. it’s okay that in your efforts to make the dream happen, your emotions got the memo and now you have to grieve it. if we could just shut that part of ourselves off, it would be nice sometimes, but then, we’d probably have trouble turning it back on when we want to celebrate a dream fulfilled. you are one “failure” closer to success, Lori. i’m proud of you for your persistence, even if you need a break right now. 🙂

    • well said, Kendra!!! hugs to you Lorilee. disappointment is tough stuff. 🙁

  9. Lori, My heart is crushed for you. I know this feeling all to well.

  10. I have so been there–so excited for the next adventure for God, followed by the disappointment that it wasn’t the right adventure or the right time. We went through that last year with an opportunity to go to Taiwan and teach. Not only were we disappointed that “we weren’t approved,” we also didn’t have a home or job to stay at here in the states. As always, God lead and we are absolutely where we needed to be. Praying you’ll find that direction as well.

    (By the way, found your blog through comments on Miss Minimalist. I hope that’s not too creepy. But I’m so happy to have found your blog! I am very into simplifying life in all aspects, and am having a hard time finding blogs with that similar goal. Keep up the good work!)

    • Thanks for your comment. Good to meet you 🙂

  11. Kim Kim

    Lori, I’m very sorry to hear the position had fallen through. I’m currently in a Women’s Bible Study, reading through the book of James. The last Chapters of James talks about being “Between the Rains”, the Author / Speaker Beth Moore explains the rains as when things are going good and we are growing, its the “In Between the Rains”, the dry season that we must remember that God is still there sowing his love and plans for us, we just need to hold on for the next rain…. I don’t know, it sounded appropriate for the moment. Keep your head up, it may have seemed right at the time, but God obviously has something much better instore for you. Hugs……
    Kim

    • Carmen Carmen

      I like that Kim. Going to look up James 🙂

      • I love James. It is just loaded from front to back with such great stuff 🙂

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