I just have to write my heart and soul out to you today about my disappointment. It is probably going against my own web rules, but writing and this blog are a growth and therapy for me.
This morning (writing Sunday night so Sunday morning) we found out that we were not approved for an overseas position we had applied for. The thing is that it isn’t the first time. Ever since we started looking at minimalism and cutting back just over a year ago we have been looking. Really, ever since we were married and before we have been dreaming of mission work. Our love of travel and desire to work and make a difference just seem to be a perfect match. Being available time and money wise for something like this was a huge motivator in why we simplified. …but the dream has never worked out.
When we started getting rid of stuff last winter we applied to work at a hospital in Nepal. The position seemed like a great fit and we were all excited with the possibility…but it never worked out.
Last summer we were on the top of the list for two different positions. One was in a jungle, the other at a school on the west coast. Both had great interviews, both were very positive and we knew we had a good shot at both. It was just as we were moving into our apartment and we got a short term lease because we felt sure one would work out. Then both… a week apart from each other fell through.
Going into the winter we were planning on a traveling construction contract that had been verbally agreed upon. This was the same work we had done the year before when we fell in love with having less as we lived in motels. As the time got closer we further de-cluttered the apartment and got rid of anything extra we had so that we would be ready to get rid of our apartment while we traveled to save additional money. This would have only been temporary but we were planning on saving up enough money to be able to branch into more volunteer overseas work this summer. …then this opportunity fell through without explanation or even returning our phone calls.
Then this spring we tried to get a position at a school in Asia working with their current buildings and programs as well as helping build and grow the complex. It was the best position for location, family flexibility, pay, safety, health care and more that we had found and we were so excited. The position for my hubby seemed a perfect fit and there was lots of ways that I could be involved in helping while still watching and homeschooling the kids. After so many different positions had fallen through I was so scared to get our hopes up. The problem was that they were wanting us to start very quickly if we got through all the formality of approval and there was just so many pieces we needed to work through in our heads to try to be (maybe) ready to leave the country in a few weeks. Then this morning we learned that we had not been approved.
To say I am crushed might be an understatement. This job seemed so perfect. We hadn’t told the kids about this one (we learned our lesson with the first few) but Lily has been fascinated with China this spring and Ian told me last week he wanted to go to Japan this summer for vacation. I spent last week dreaming of being able to tell them about their being close enough to see both. They would have been so excited. The educational side of things would have been amazing. I have really wanted them to see and live in another culture. I want them to work on language and I don’t think any ‘book course’ comes close to learning from a community.
I am not upset with anyone, …but maybe me. I look back and can’t see anything that could have been done differently. I know we put our best into it and I know that they wanted us there. In the end they made the decision they thought was the best for the school. I want the best for the school so I should want that as well right? I wish I hadn’t got so emotionally connected to something that wasn’t a sure thing yet. I tried not to.
I am okay with it all being Gods will. We prayed about it and didn’t want it to happen if He didn’t want us there. I trust He knows best…I just wish He could tell me before my heart gets set on it.
Ten years ago this June (when we would have been starting this job if it had worked out) I had tickets to go to Hong Kong for an intensive Mandarin class to finish my degree. I canceled the trip and got married that summer instead. I never regretted it. This would have been just awesome to go back to the area with my husband and family and have way more than 8 weeks to really learn and study the language.
The whole thing just leaves me so disappointed. We are left here trying to figure out what Plan B is …. or plan F or G the way our life has been going lately. What we know is that we still want to travel and serve. I feel it is a combination of our passion, dream, purpose, and talent. I ought to keep trying for it right? Nothing in life comes easy. How do I keep up the strength to keep following that dream? The whole process of fighting and trying for it is so much more exhausting and draining than just sticking with an easier path.
It has been a tough day here. It didn’t help that it was rainy and cold and that it looks like it will be rainy and cold all week. I want to be glad that we do have family, work, health and many more blessings but tonight I am just disappointed and confused.
Photo Credit: Bryon Lippincott